Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Harry's Crab Shack


Disclaimer: I will not be held responsible if you continue reading this blog entry without properly heeding any and all warnings from this point forward.
- Do not read beyond this point if you are an Enviro-Nazi, or have any of those tendencies.
- Do not read beyond this point if you don't have a good sense of humor, seriously stop here!
- Do not read beyond this point if you don't like the taste of seafood, or have any objections to eating aforementioned food.
- Do not read beyond this point if you're at all squeamish about mutant animal parts.
- Do not read beyond this point if your name is Bruce Bateman, or if you talk to him and might tell him what I'm up to. I know he's out diving today so I figured I'd take advantage of that and get a jump on him.
- If you think there's any chance whatsoever that you might even slightly be an Enviro-Nazi or not have any sense of humor, seriously, I'm begging you, resist the temptation and just stop now. I won't be responsible for any corony episodes this may inspire.

Well, as much as I've racked my brain, I think those are all the warnings and disclaimers I need to put on this blog entry. I know I was going to take a break from blogging for a while, I was waiting til my heart was back in it. Well an amazing thing happened at lunch today. I was sitting at home eating cold pizza (don't worry I'm pretty sure the pepperoni were imitation, because eating real pepperoni would be cruel) when I saw Alex, the cat who has still decided to have his morning constitutional in Sarah's shower in spite of the fact that he now has his own cat door. He only did it a couple times though, personally I think he was just giving Sarah a message. Anyway back to the story, all the sudden I looked at his tail and had an inspiration, you might even go so far as to call it a revelation. Alex only has a stub tail, I'm sure if you live on Saipan you've seen other cats with this same anomaly. When he was a little kitten, he did something bad so I grabbed him by the tail and it pulled right off in my hand. (The truth is he was born with it that way, but the other version will play into my story much better). The thing is, I don't think Alex realizes he doesn't have a tail. He still wiggles the tip, which sticks out of this stump like it was a real tail. If you've never seen it before it can kind of throw you for a loop. It still even gets to some people who have seen it before. I decided that would make a good topic for a blog, Alex's mutant tail twitch, so I took a video of it.
Now really, this is your last warning, if you don't have a sense of humor, you really need to stop reading RIGHT NOW!!! At this point I don't think I need to really tell anyone about the hermit crab ruckus. I hear that terrorist organizations are looking to recruit me for my barbaric ways. But I've been doing plenty of thinking about the whole thing, and I've realized it's left me with a choice. I can either cowtow to the Enviro-Nazi's, (if they're offended by this it's pretty much their own fault, you'll recall I did warn them to stop reading earlier), or I could pull a Darth Vader and just embrace the dark side. But in this case, just exactly which side is the dark side? Well, that's a question I'll leave for you to debate, and I actually encourage you to debate about it. Heck, I insist you debate about it!

But I figured if I embrace it, I might actually be able to overtake Bruce Bateman for the title of the worlds most evil person. Now you can see why I didn't want him reading beyond the disclaimer either. I figure I could use a little headstart in the campaigning here. I mean seriously, me Saipan's sexiest male blogger? No one in their right mind would ever believe it, so let's just bury that one right now and work on something infinitely more achievable. I mean to my knowledge the only person Bruce has convinced that he's the most evil person in the world is Dennis Green, dengre or whatever his name is. Frankly, who cares what his name is or what he thinks about anything? To my knowledge the guy has never even stepped foot out here, so how much can he truly know about any topic out here? Oh oh, it just dawned on me that I should have also put a warning for dengre to not read this blog entry either. Oh well, I don't think he reads my blog anyway so I should be safe. And even if he does, maybe he'll be so mad at me that he'll switch over his vote from Bruce to me.

The way I figure it, I already have a heck of a lot more votes for the title than Bruce does anyway. I'm guessing that I have a certain blogger who shall continue to be nameless and linkless on my blog voting for me now. We can probably include her Pretty Amazing Diving Invironmentalist dive instructor, it doesn't sound like he likes me either. I know that environmentalist is spelled with an "e", but it didn't fit the PADI acronym, so I had to change the spelling of it. But when you're Saipan's most evil person you can do things like that. I figure that former Governor Babauta still really doesn't like me much either, and I know darn well I'd get his vote. I'm figuring his old Attorney General would cast her vote my way, and any number of employees of his regime that lost their jobs are probably still holding a grudge as well. And then I don't think any of our current politicians like me very much either, and I can guarantee they won't right before the election. Face it Bruce, you're toast. Oh yeah, you're not reading this, I forgot.

So what does my cat's mutant tail have to do with me fighting Bruce for the title of most evil? Well I got to thinking, if my cat can survive just fine without his tail, I wonder if those hermit crabs could survive without their tails. It could be a win-win situation. I could continue collecting Tritan's Trumpet shells with crabs in them, evict the crabs, say a little prayer before I pull their tails off, and then take their tails back to cook up and serve tourists at Harry's Crab Shack. I would hope that the crabs would still live and could now fit into smaller shells, making their survival that much more likely. I could also use the shells to decorate Harry's Crab Shack, strictly for the tourists amusement and entertainment. I would think there is no way the Enviro-Nazi's could complain about this plan, since part of the crab is after all being consumed, after all, I understand some of them are even meat eaters, and might possibly even eat locally caught seafood. I'm guessing some of them might be so happy with this whole scenario they might be regular diners.

I also have to give Brad a huge amount of credit for the inspiration for this blog entry. He had me rolling laughing with his blog last night, which I happened to really need at that moment. So thanks Brad, and I'd be more than happy to make you a full partner in Harry's Crab Shack, provided of course that you promise to cast your vote for me.

If you can't appreciate sarcasm, you probably didn't appreciate this blog entry at all, but then again you shouldn't have read it in the first place, you were warned, remember?

And just for the record, I didn't call anyone an Enviro-Nazi, any likenesses between yourself and that description would be the result of your own imagination.

By the way Mike, this one took 25 minutes.